New Horizons - the parents guide to the autistic spectrum...

[pup]

What I'd like to say to a parent: Be consistent. Structure is good and (reasonable) rules are good. Children like to know what to expect, especially spectrum children.

If you are inconsistent, a child with "black & white" thinking can end up miserably confused. He may not notice nuances. If he has no idea why your policy about "x" is different today than yesterday, home can seem chaotic and frightening. Explaining the reason for a rule is also helpful.

Tell him specifically what he did wrong or why you are angry. Don't assume it is obvious. Warning him that you are growing annoyed is helpful. Don't assume that he reads your mood and is "pushing his luck" until you explode.

Anecdotal:
My mother was inconsistent. It felt like no matter what I did, I got in trouble. I couldn't understand how. I concluded the reason she stayed awake after sending me to bed was to plot ways to get me in trouble the next day. (I now realize that wasn't the case.) Whenever she was angry at me, I asked "What did I do?" She'd shout; "You KNOW what you did!" I didn't have a clue. When I became a teen, I brought mom a pen and asked her to write down a list of The Rules, so that I could post them in the kitchen and be clear on what they were. Alas, she refused.

[Evalily]

A bit on being an autistic parent might be helpful as well, for those who might not have thought they were 'tistic until their child was diagnosed.

I read several "Parenting the Autistic Child" books, which all assumed the reader was NT. They would say things like, "Your use your experience to help with social issues, and explain things (like body language) that they might not understand." Ummm...yeah, but can someone explain it to me first?

Hi Stefano

I agree. I struggle to find books for parents on the spectrum, parenting both their child on the spectrum and their NT child. On a whole, I am armed with lots of information about parenting my child on the spectrum. I understand what his issues are and why he finds some things so difficult. I also need help parenting my NT child. Does no-one think of this being an issue???

I found a lot of parenting books lost themselves in the first chapter about what a horrible thing you must be going through as a parent, a whole lot of pity stuff which just alienated me from the start. Dare I mention the "one in four" children diagnosed are male, so we'll just refer to "he". Anyway, I've said that enough here...shan't mention it again, unless someone else does first!!!

A parenting book sounds like a brilliant idea.

[Tigger_the_Wing]

I actually found my 80's version of 'Baby and Child' by Penelope Leach to be most helpful. I have no idea whether more recent editions have changed anything. Her emphasis on parenting the child you've got, rather than trying to turn them into a 'standard child' was inspirational; when any of my children did anything 'differently' I just thought "Oh, I don't have that kind of child." I'm not sure whether that was what she meant, but it doesn't matter.

Bear in mind that three of my children were born in 1981, '82 and '84; around nine to twelve years or so before 'Asperger's Syndrome' was even included in the DSM in the USA, the year my twins were born (1993). It was only beginning to be recognised more widely around ten years later, and I didn't start reading up about it until it was suggested by their teacher that my youngest two (then around eleven) might be autistic (and even then, I only read about it to disprove her theory).

After all, the only non-family Spectrum child I had hitherto met (at after-school club where the twins went) and been told "He has Asperger's Syndrome - it's a kind of Autism" in a hushed voice by the teacher actually seemed perfectly normal to me. I used to help with his special interest (whales and dolphins) by finding him articles and printing pictures for him. I really couldn't understand why he'd been diagnosed as having a 'disorder'.

Of course, once I read all about it and realised that Asperger's Syndrome described myself and most of my relations I realised why I had always felt so different to so many of my friends. I still don't think of it as a 'disorder' though. I still think of those women, so unlike me (that are desperately social, require constant wardrobe updates and are perfectly willing to wear uncomfortable stuff if it makes their girlfriends squeal with delight) as being the ones with a disorder. Even if, as I have now discovered, they are actually in the majority.

I don't know whether I am a 'good' parent or a 'bad' one. I do know that all my kids still love me (they tell me so) and so do my grandkids, so I certainly feel a very 'lucky' parent. I had kids because I like people (however little they may be) not as status symbols.

As for the rest, I just take it day by day and assume the long term will take care of itself. Not the best way perhaps but at least it has meant I never set myself up for disappointment. I'm still raising the youngest two. One is currently in hermit mode because his anxiety gets the better of him otherwise. If I let him be as much of a hermit as he wants, he occasionally - because he decides he feels like it - goes on outings with his brother and friends and has fun. His twin brother is at college, is learning to drive, has a wide social circle (of other nerds and geeks - I've met most of them!) and is being much more of a conventional 'success'. They are both equally Aspergic, but one has anxiety and the other doesn't.

All five of my offspring have different personalities. Whereabouts on the Spectrum each of them falls is irrelevant if they are raised as individuals and their individual foibles taken into account. As a parent on the Spectrum it may well be that I do things differently than an NT parent would. For example, I never 'got' make-up or fashion so didn't try to teach my daughter but never discouraged her from researching it. I suppose she must have learnt from friends and mothers of friends, because she is good at it.

I don't know what, if anything, I would have done differently had I known about Asperger's a decade earlier and I'm not about to worry about it because there is nothing to be done about the past except to learn the lessons and let it go.

[hyke]

Tigger, I like your approach.

You raise your kids a bit like I have been raised. Taking your child as an unique individual is a good first step I think. Not comparing it with 'the average'. Not aiming for 'the average'. But trying to get the perspective of the child.

My parents approached us as four individual kids. Though they did make a classification in a way. I think it is the classification ASD/NT. They said that both types of kids were difficult and easy to have at different times. But classified or not, we were seen as people with our own personality. And we were all treated differently. And we all got different support.

Taking people as an individual, with their unique issues and gifts, does not only work for children. In another thread here, I write about singing with my great aunt. She had anxiety, anger and OCD issues. And when we met her at my grandparents, we brought her home on the way back. There was a place we had to pass that would be best for all of us if she did not think about it. The meltdown would have been a huge problem in the car. So, we sang, it soothed her, made her happy, we always got her home relaxed. Something her brother, my great uncle, never could achieve. I think it is because my parents looked at her as an individual, with individual pleasures and issues. Taking her serious, respecting her, and finding a way to keep her safe.